Masked

Written for https://lifeafter50forwomen.com/category/what-do-you-see/

She wore a mask every day.

To hide the fear inside, she endured the confident image. Beneath the murky surface? She felt like a duck, as she paddled furiously underneath the water. She swam gracefully forward and her thoughts backtracked in another. It was simpler to watch her female counterparts. Do the same. Was that the right decision? She could never be sure, but with mistakes, she learnt a little more.

‘You okay?’ Her person, who she had the ability to be honest with, squeezed her hand. She always had the power to perceive when she was floundering.

‘Actually, can we have some fresh air, just for a minute? It’s been busy all day, with the photographs, talking with guests. I feel a little drained.’

‘Course, we’ll take our drinks with us.’ Sat on the floor, white folds of silk spread out against the green of the grass, she gathered her mind into layers of relaxation techniques.

They followed the clouds. Across the landscape, each changing shape brought something new to their conversation.

‘An elephant and a whale are in good company,’ her best friend said.

‘A horse, wearing a tutu,’ she chuckled at the idea.

Life was good, and with her bestie, she could always be herself.

Girls with autism differ from boys. They are more social, and frequently imitate the actions of their female counterparts to follow their reactions. When they are quiet, it isn’t out of rudeness, but from not knowing what to say in that situation.

The internal struggle is real.

They mask constantly, copying, and hoping they are doing the right thing. It is challenging, but as a woman who suspects she might be on the spectrum, please understand that the intention is not to be standoffish or take over a conversation.

We are just trying to swim.